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Dungeons and Dragons for dummies - Jacson S.

Jacson S. Dungeons and Dragons for dummies - John Wiley & Sons, 2003. - 49 p.
ISBN 1-55634-667-0
Download (direct link): dungeonsanddragonsfordummies2003.pdf
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Gnomes look at dwarves as a warning of what can happen when you lose your sense of humor. They respect dwarven abilities, but think dwarves would be a lot happier if they’d come out in the sun and have a picnic once a day or so. And maybe shave. Gnomes also utterly fail to understand why dwarves seem to shun gems . .. pretty, pretty gems ...
Halflings are still trying to figure out why everyone else thinks dwarves are short. They respect the dwarven fondness for ale, although they hold out hope that some dwarf, some day, will eat a proper meal rather than a sausage pulled half-aflame from the campfire. Halflings admire dwarven jewelry, and tend to think that it would look much better on a lovely halfling lass than the hairy dwarven matron who’s currently wearing it.
Ores think dwarves tough and flavorless. Beard hair good for flossing teeth and making rope. In that order.
Elves like to point out how they live in harmony with nature, how they have curbed their excesses, and how they and they alone understand the great sweep of history. For a race that claims to want only to live in peace, they sure butt into everyone else’s affairs a lot
- always, of course, in a serene, we-know-better-than-you manner. It’s a wonder there are any elves left.
Their condescending amusement at the antics of “lesser” races would be intolerable if they weren’t right so annoyingly often. Elves seemingly live forever (an illusion understood by anyone who has ever attended an elven poetry recital and survived), but actually only live about 500 years or so. This longevity causes them to lack any form of urgency ... elves think nothing whatever of taking years to pen an ode, paint a portrait, or hold an election. Other races often find elves boring; elves prefer the word “meticulous.” Elves are so dedicated that they do not even sleep; instead, they enter a four-hour meditation state during which they plan their activities for the next day.
What About Dark Elves?
Many fantasy games have a “dark” elven race, one which lives underground, has strange magical powers, and is irredeemably evil. This is the ultimate munchkin race, but good luck getting your DM to agree to allow you to play one. We recommend playing a reformed dark elf who has forsworn the path of violence and depravity, having returned to the surface to live a life of purity and goodness. DMs eat that stuff up, the fools. Once he agrees, steer the campaign back underground as soon as possible, backstab your fellow adventurers, and play your new friend to the hilt!
Dwarf wizard? These third edition rules are bogus!
Sudden confrontation repels elves, who prefer to simply outlast problems. Elves naturally shy away f % from situations in which they might I be killed. This strikes other races as ‘ rank cowardice, but elves feel that /yf 1 J they are a valuable natural jvf' 0°vL J resource, not to be squandered. ^ ^
This tendency has led elves to 1 •—V i develop proficiency with mis- * J/1 sile weapons, especially \ / /
bows - all the better to fire a ͨ||Ëă \ II few arrows and then flee into
the darkness of the forest. DO
They gravitate toward wiz- IC*
ardry, being willing to spend J J /ë>—( the years of study which most ( other creatures would find bor- j-\
ing after a decade or so. Elven If p)
clerics are quite devout, and j-— it’s a rare decorative shrubbery which does not have its elven cleric praying to it and leaving little gifts under the branches. Elven bards are talented, but take many years to master the long songs in the standard repertoire. (“Listening to an elfsong” is a dwarven idiom for death.) Elves make good thieves, when they try, but they find it is often more fruitful simply to wait for an inheritance later than to steal now ... and if you can help that inheritance along, well, who’s to know?
Elves tend to be tall and slender, with angular features and long, pointed ears. Blond hair has become very popular among elves recently, for reasons passing understanding, and some young elves have even explored ways to bleach their hair. Reports that elves can walk atop snow, or even walk on the surface of water itself, are greatly exaggerated.
Never forget that your longevity makes you superior. Lose no chance to remind the rest of your party that you were an adult while their grandparents were in diapers. If, by some mischance, you are a young elf, hide this fact well. Humans are especially irritating, with their pretense of caring about other people as they despoil the environment. Dwarves come in a close second, just because they are totally no fun to be around.
Give your PC a name that instantly marks it as an elf. “Eoren Moonglimmer” is a good one. You want to leave no chance that people will confuse your name with that of the gnome, human, or (worst of all) dwarf in the party.
Elves are reputed to be excellent wizards, and you would do well to exploit the reputation, even if you have the magical talent of a garden slug. Scare foes with grand gestures and “booga booga” noises. Make them woiry what spell is coming at them ... if you are really good, they’ll burn their own spells for defensive purposes.
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