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Dungeons and Dragons for dummies - Jacson S.

Jacson S. Dungeons and Dragons for dummies - John Wiley & Sons, 2003. - 49 p.
ISBN 1-55634-667-0
Download (direct link): dungeonsanddragonsfordummies2003.pdf
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You love gold, ale, axes, and hitting things with axes. You hate ores, elves, dragons, elves, and the outdoors - especially if there are elves out there. And there are always elves out there. You know best what to do with metal, so demand all the gold from party treasure. When there is none, accuse the thief of making off with it. (If the thief is an elf, so much the better. If not, perhaps you can accuse the elf of being a thief in the bargain.)
Kill ores. Kill ore men, ore women, and ore babies. Kill them when they fight. Kill them when they surrender. Kill them as they sleep. If, by some chance, one of your comrades should let an ore live (probably that bloody elf again), find an excuse at the first opportunity, then kill him. Remember that torture
- oh, that’s a nasty word; let’s call it something nicer
- persuasion often loosens an ore’s tongue. Of course, you don’t want him telling your companions some unflattering version of what happened (e.g., “The dwarf did it!”), so then you’ll have to kill him. Blame it on the elf.
Killing elves is frowned on in polite society, and even more so among other elves. This is a very good reason to get them alone. As long-lived as they are, it’s good to thin the herd from time to time. Of course, many elves feel the same way about dwarves, and those sneaky bastards have bows, so be careful. Wait until you can wrap your hands around their skinny necks ... then squeeze.
For some reason, other races think that their excessive height allows them to laugh at your proper stature. This is your chance to make allies of the gnomes and halflings, who are useful for walking ahead to spring traps and absorb damage. The words “short,” “small,” “little,” and so on are always good for a rousing argument about perceived insults. So are “tall,” “big,” and even “man-sized.”
Dwarven Racial Traits
Base Speed: 20 feet (more when hurled).
Ability Modifiers: +2 Strength, +2 Constitution, -2 Dexterity, -2 Charisma.
Special Qualities:
Darkvision: Dwarves can see up to 60 feet even in pitch darkness.
Stonecunning: Dwarves get a +2 on all checks to notice unusual stonework and on Craft checks with metal- and stonework. Dwarves can also sense their approximate depth underground.
Saving Throw Bonuses: +2 versus poisons, spells, and spell-like effects.
Enhanced Carrying Capacity: Dwarves ignore any encumbrance effects less than “total.” They may use items which seem too large for their frame.
Dwarf women are not the business of other races. They have their own females to abuse.
Quaff ale. If you aren’t measuring your intake in barrels, you are not worthy to be called a dwarf. Sing loudly. Ignore the key.
Watch bards cringe. Repeat a verse.
Tell stories. The best stories are about making things, or about your very large family. Nondwarves are always amazed at the depth and variety of tales a dwarf can spin on these subjects: things your family made, the family of the dwarf who made something, things you made for your family, the family of the dwarf who made something . . . Oh, we already did that last one. Well, that’s all right; it was a good story. If another dwarf tells a story, listen carefully.
It is good manners to ask him to repeat it from the beginning when he finishes, so you can learn it and tell it yourself. Your non-dwarf companions will learn to appreciate this if you repeat it often enough.
When you see equipment being abused, lecture the owner on proper care. Use visual aids. Walk off with the visual aids if possible, so that you will be sure that they will be cared for properly in the future. Armor is a particular problem, as - if it serves its function - it will take on a disreputable appearance rather suddenly.
If, by some chance, you should happen to have another dwarf among your party, spend hours arguing, at the top of your lungs, about the minutiae of weapon-smithing, armorcrafting, and the like. You want to be sure that everyone around recognizes that you are the superior authority here. Pay no attention to complaints; students always grumble when lesson time approaches.
Finally, never willingly spend a night under the open sky. If the gods had meant for people to sleep outdoors, they would not have invented weather.
OtherJKaces Say ...
Humans are impressed with the way dwarves focus on a task and do not quit until they have completed it or they have died trying. They are far more impressed by the quantity and quality of armaments pouring out of the mountains. Humans like to think that they have a great deal in common with dwarves, and that they understand the dwarvish way of life. They are, of course, completely wrong.
Elves think dwarves are far too much like the rocks they live under, with taste and manner as flat as their anvils. They do admit that dwarven weapons are unmatched; whether this is good or bad depends on whether the dwarf is using the weapon to behead several dozen ores or to carve “Gurg Wuz Heer” in the mightiest tree in the forest.
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