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No regrets - Beazley H.

Beazley H. No regrets - Wiley publishing , 2004. - 234 p.
ISBN 0-471-21295-4
Download (direct link): noregrets2004.pdf
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Even if the other party has hurt us more than we have hurt her and even if she wont admit to hurting us at all, we still apologize for whatever we have done. We make that apology because we played a role in the regret, and making it is what we have to do to let go of that regret. What the other parties do about their part in the regret, if anything, is up to them. It is not up to us. They must find their own peace as best they can.
Using the Spiritual and Psychological Tools to Overcome Resistance
The spiritual and psychological tools are powerful resources that will help you with this difficult step. They can be used before beginning the step and for all step activities. For example, pray for the strength and courage to overcome resistance to working the step, to be honest with yourself in confronting the harm you have caused, and to be resourceful in designing your reparations. Ask your higher power for the discipline and patience you need to make your apologies, that others will be receptive to hearing them, and that you will handle yourself with compassion and restraint. Ask your higher power to help you make reparations, to change your
behavior as part of your amend, and to help you find freedom from the guilt and shame of these regrets.
Creative visualizations will be effective in reducing your fear level and moving you through this step. Visualize yourself making apologies to each of the people you will approach, being well received by them, and leaving grateful that you talked with them. When the recipient of the amend is deceased or unreachable, use creative visualization to enrich the power of the healing letter you write. See the recipient reading the letter, being grateful for having received it, and forgiving you for all of your past actions.
If the fear and pain of determining the appropriate reparations and then making them proves overwhelming, journal about those feelings. Write about the need for the amends, the fears you have about making them, the worst the other party could do to hurt you, and the resources you have available to support and encourage you. Write about your reluctance, your sadness, and your fear. Encourage yourself in your journal by reminding yourself that you can do it.
Create affirmations that will help you move forward. Write these affirmations in your journal and use them regularly. Affirm, I am making amends to those I have harmed, I am a new person, I accept responsibility for my past actions, I am letting go of my guilt and shame.
Turn to your confidant for emotional support and reassurance and as a sounding board for your amends and reparations. Seek guidance before making any apology or reparation.
Choosing the Channel
Although there are many ways to make apologies, the number of channels through which direct apologies can be made is limited to four. Each option has its own advantages and disadvantages, which vary depending upon the circumstances. The four options are:
1. In person
2. By telephone
3. By letter
4. By e-mail
The advantages of each channel are relatively obvious, but it might be worth pointing out some of them. An in-person apology affords greater intimacy and a wider spectrum of communication possibilities (facial expression, tone of voice, body language, and an extra dimension that comes only with face-to-face communications). Face-to-face apologies permit a deeper exchange of emotion and facilitate greater understanding because they involve feedback, allowing the parties to react to one another, to clarify, and to modify their comments as necessary. A telephone call shares the exchange characteristics of face-to-face meetings, but it lacks the intimacy and the deeper dimension of understanding that physical presence provides. However, the telephone can be substituted when face-to-face meetings arent feasible for one reason or another.
A letter, definitionally, affords only one-way communication. It is subject to misinterpretation, requires some skill in writing, and cant be modified in response to feedback. It is generally more difficult to convey complex thoughts and emotions in writing than in conversation. An e-mail has the same characteristics as a letter, except that its not as personal, and the feedback, if it occurs, is likely to be faster. On the other hand, a letter or e-mail is preferable in certain situations and even mandated in others, such as with individuals who wont agree to see you or who wont take your telephone call.
A letter is preferable to personal contact when the recipients of your apology are dangerous, threatening, or irrational due to mental illness or out-of-control emotions. In such cases or where you are likely to encounter such serious resistance to your attempted apology that you will be verbally attacked, if not vilified, choose your channel carefully. Remember that the goal is to make an apology for what you have done wrong and to describe whatever reparations you intend to make, if any reparations can be made. Thats all you have to do in this part of Step Five. You dont have to submit to abuse while youre doing it.
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